I HAVE A JOB!

I have been back in America for exactly 7 days and on day 5 I had guaranteed employment; by days 6 and 7 I was actually making money. Who says the economy is in a slump?

Well, ok...I had to lower my standards a bit. But I can take back the suit the temp agency suggested I buy and I don't have to wear professional clothes at all (or even dignity!

All I really need is an enema of Christmas joy and a shiny Christmas smile because I officially start tomorrow as a Christmas elf at Macy's!

Some of you may think that this position seems familiar, maybe you have read David Sedaris' Christmas on Ice - and if so, yes this is the exact same job at the exact same Macy's where I will be performing my elfin duties. It is also the same Macy's on 34th and 7th avenue where Miracle on 34th Street was filmed. It is apparently the largest store in the world and I have been told during our intensive elfin crowd control course that on a given busy day as many as 300,000 people may grace its gilded doorstep. Out of those as many as 25-30,000 may want to wipe their grubby little asses all over Santa's lap. To accommodate this writhing mass of humanity Macy's chooses to outdo all other department stores by remaining open 24 hours a day for the last 3 days before Christmas.

In our operation there are 10 Santas but only 6 at most work at one time. At least 2 of them are black. Sometimes people ask for a "chocolate santa". I like to think chocolate Santa has a soft marshmellowy middle.

Elfin duties include: making sure that lines are always moving, ensuring that people don't kill each other out of their sheer mass, warning customers that no matter how long the line is they may not leave and comeback to their place in line even if a bladder pops, also warning customers that if families become separated that they may not be reunited EVER, maintaining the illusion that a 1.5 to 2 hour line is something to be happy about as "every step ahead in line is a step closer to Santa!", informing children who poke at delicate displays that "Santa sees EVERYTHING", preventing children from realizing that in the village 6 Santas work in 6 separate Santa shacks at the same time, and just generally being revoltingly cheerful.

We get to choose our own elfin names. Most names are something like Dancer, Sparkles, Lollypop, or Snowball. In my elfin manual there are many to choose from; however, it suggests that you are permitted to make up your own name as well. I consider this to be a very important decision and I ask your help in choosing an elf name that describes me as a person particularly since my introduction to people will come from me approaching them by jumping in front of them, jazz hands extended, and screaming my name like a retard on prozac. Feel free to make suggestions. Here are some names that I am currently considering:

Shnitzel - I feel that it is important to be religiously inclusive
Easy
Sternness - because it is important to remember that Christmas isn't all about fun
Nutty McButterTits
Phatness
Slumpy McCraperson
Simple
Awkward
Bleedng
Spastic
Chronic Depression
Syphylis
Butt Muffin
Accidents Happen - especially to bad children and reindeer
Rudolph's fluffer - how did you think that sleigh got up there?
Plumpy
Sadness

I take my elf name very seriously.

In case you are envisioning some sort of sexy cheap halloween elf costume, I should clarify that our costumes actually resemble a sack of festive Christmas potatoes. I was warned over the phone that this isn't a job you take if you are intent upon looking attractive. I thought that that meant they would just be ugly, but the blouse is actually larger than tents that I have slept in.

I have to sleep soon since I have to be at Macy's by nine to elf up. Tomorrow I will see CHILDREN.