Elf Day 1

Yesterday Schnitzel, the Jewish Christmas elf, was born. Tragically, due to general awkwardness and confused handlings of children, after about an hour of working on her own, Schnitzel was removed from responsible duties and instructed to shadow a more competent elf. Schnitzel might be incompetent. Perhaps Schnitzel should stop asking disoriented thugs and annoyed shoppers if they want to sit on Santa's "warm and willing" lap. Perhaps Schnitzel should stop doing pelvic thrusts in elf costume in the break room mirror.

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After completing our elfin duties for the trial run yesterday we were instructed to go to the 16th floor for an awards ceremony. The ceremony began with the event coordinator of Macy's (who only wears a black cowboy suit - think Tommy Lee Jones) regaling us with tales of REAL Christmas miracles like how as Santa he once got a little girls parents back together and once brought hope to a crippled child that everyone had given up on by reminding her that Santa loves her. According to the story, the first word this girl said after 5 years of non-communication was "Santa". The crowd awed. I felt queasy.

At this ceremony I was shocked to learn that at least 80% of the 200 Santaland employees are returning veterans. I was also shocked to learn that most of these veterans take Santaland so seriously that getting an award is a tear-filled moment. After about an hour into this ceremony I felt like I had joined the Scientologists. I was, however, comforted to find one or two other non-veteran elves who also seriously wanted to know what the fuck was going on. I mean it is a seasonal job, not a theatrical production. Moreover, this is not the end of the season, IT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN YET and they are already giving out awards.

These people take this shit seriously.

I was given a certificate acknowledging my elfin spirit and giving me justification to maintain my elfin spirit throughout all seasons. I feel changed as a person.

If you have heard of Santa Santa in Holidays on Ice - this man is still here. This is the Santa that is in the Thanksgiving parade. He has been doing it for 25 years and he is known for overworking his elves by looking at them in front of customers and saying, "why don't you sing us a song little elf?" To this request, no is not an option. He doesn't actually have a name as far as I know. The beard is real. Being Santa IS his career. He is probably crazy. I wonder what he will do if I come in smelling like beer.

I HAVE A JOB!

I have been back in America for exactly 7 days and on day 5 I had guaranteed employment; by days 6 and 7 I was actually making money. Who says the economy is in a slump?

Well, ok...I had to lower my standards a bit. But I can take back the suit the temp agency suggested I buy and I don't have to wear professional clothes at all (or even dignity!

All I really need is an enema of Christmas joy and a shiny Christmas smile because I officially start tomorrow as a Christmas elf at Macy's!

Some of you may think that this position seems familiar, maybe you have read David Sedaris' Christmas on Ice - and if so, yes this is the exact same job at the exact same Macy's where I will be performing my elfin duties. It is also the same Macy's on 34th and 7th avenue where Miracle on 34th Street was filmed. It is apparently the largest store in the world and I have been told during our intensive elfin crowd control course that on a given busy day as many as 300,000 people may grace its gilded doorstep. Out of those as many as 25-30,000 may want to wipe their grubby little asses all over Santa's lap. To accommodate this writhing mass of humanity Macy's chooses to outdo all other department stores by remaining open 24 hours a day for the last 3 days before Christmas.

In our operation there are 10 Santas but only 6 at most work at one time. At least 2 of them are black. Sometimes people ask for a "chocolate santa". I like to think chocolate Santa has a soft marshmellowy middle.

Elfin duties include: making sure that lines are always moving, ensuring that people don't kill each other out of their sheer mass, warning customers that no matter how long the line is they may not leave and comeback to their place in line even if a bladder pops, also warning customers that if families become separated that they may not be reunited EVER, maintaining the illusion that a 1.5 to 2 hour line is something to be happy about as "every step ahead in line is a step closer to Santa!", informing children who poke at delicate displays that "Santa sees EVERYTHING", preventing children from realizing that in the village 6 Santas work in 6 separate Santa shacks at the same time, and just generally being revoltingly cheerful.

We get to choose our own elfin names. Most names are something like Dancer, Sparkles, Lollypop, or Snowball. In my elfin manual there are many to choose from; however, it suggests that you are permitted to make up your own name as well. I consider this to be a very important decision and I ask your help in choosing an elf name that describes me as a person particularly since my introduction to people will come from me approaching them by jumping in front of them, jazz hands extended, and screaming my name like a retard on prozac. Feel free to make suggestions. Here are some names that I am currently considering:

Shnitzel - I feel that it is important to be religiously inclusive
Easy
Sternness - because it is important to remember that Christmas isn't all about fun
Nutty McButterTits
Phatness
Slumpy McCraperson
Simple
Awkward
Bleedng
Spastic
Chronic Depression
Syphylis
Butt Muffin
Accidents Happen - especially to bad children and reindeer
Rudolph's fluffer - how did you think that sleigh got up there?
Plumpy
Sadness

I take my elf name very seriously.

In case you are envisioning some sort of sexy cheap halloween elf costume, I should clarify that our costumes actually resemble a sack of festive Christmas potatoes. I was warned over the phone that this isn't a job you take if you are intent upon looking attractive. I thought that that meant they would just be ugly, but the blouse is actually larger than tents that I have slept in.

I have to sleep soon since I have to be at Macy's by nine to elf up. Tomorrow I will see CHILDREN.

New York City is My New Home

First before I go on about NYC, here is an entry that I wrote in the Doha, Qatar airport on the way home - they lied about their functional wireless internet - otherwise this would have been posted much earlier. Entry follows:

November 16, 2008
Doha, Qatar Airport

I once said that Qatar Airways was the best airline in the world. I recant. I expected to be sleeping in a cold and lonely corner of an airport on the way here, but the swank ass hotel and free buffet that they gave me on my way to Nairobi were so good that my expectations were set high for my return and this is what i get: a cold small room - hurricane evacuee style - filled with 60 grumpy sleepy people physically tied to their belongings in the corner in an airport. Perhaps I should express gratitude for the previous perks I received instead of grumbling, but really I would prefer to grumble. They do have a children's play set here that I might camp in later though. In response to this disappointment I am giving serious consideration to showering in their toilet with their fancy shower head ass washer. Once I lock the stall door I fail to see what they can do to stop me. And any objections to my behavior could thoroughly justify me shouting, "I will not come out until my orifices sparkle or my flight is leaving assholes!"

Anyway, getting on to talking about Africa and giving some closure to my trip. I am sad to be leaving Tanzania, but I am comforted by the fact that I am not going home right now - the adventure continues, I am starting a new life in NYC. There are challenges - for instance, I only have $400 dollars left. It has to be an adventure - if I don't take the first job I am offered I might starve. Somehow I find this invigorating instead of terrifying - but then again I am kind of a masochist. I am excited about suffering. I am starting out on my own with no job and I am determined to make it work. It will be cold as shit, New York is bloody expensive - it will be awesome. I like a challenge and I look forward to it.

As far as my departure goes, I love Africa. I have to come back, I want to see it all. The people are so welcoming - it has been a hard but wonderful experience that I would not trade for anything (except for maybe the food poisoning - I could have done without that). The things that I liked most were teaching English to adults and doing HIV/AIDS education. When I wasn't doing those things effectively I felt lost. It is really important to me that I do something that effects people's lives in a positive way and the job I did in Arusha filled that nicely. I would be happy to do this sort of work again in NYC or elsewhere. (especially the aids education - I have never felt so needed and useful)

I don't know what this experience means for the next job that I will pursue or the degree program that I should seek out yet - I have had love affairs with a wide variety of job possibilities including and going beyond TEFL and AIDS education. I have thought about journalism and microfinance and international relations and NGO management and studying public health.....the list goes on. I have thought of teaching refugees and immigrants in NYC (if it is even possible to get a job doing that). I have thought of just trying to intern at a major newspaper doing bitch work to see if I like it. I have thought about freelancing in NYC on the side to see if I can get published - maybe doing some write ups on things I learned in Africa teaching. I have SO MANY IDEAS that the thought of one direction seems impossible. The weight of possibility seems oppressive. I hope that New York will help me narrow these options. The best possibility right now seems to be AIDS education so after I take a shitty job to keep from starving I may try my hand at something related to that. I hear that a degree in Public Health might help me achieve something on a larger scale in relation to sexual health education so I want to look further into that too.

THE GOOD AND THE BAD

Things I will miss about Tanzania include: more than anything my students, fresh fruit and infinite avacado, people being really excited that I speak enough swahili to communicate like a retard, the backpacker and volunteer community - everywhere you go you are never alone and you can have deep insightful conversations with people whose names you don't know and who you will never see again, animals everywhere, people constantly telling me to "be free", children running up and chanting "mzungu mzungu how are you?", the faint sound of the evening call to prayer, never having to worry about time or be in a hurry, having retarded adventures, bargaining for the price of a taxi before accepting as opposed to a meter, being able to buy a live chicken and carry it everywhere, feeling like it is reasonably acceptable to pee by the side of the road, being able to buy prescription strength drugs over the counter, 2$ bottles of vodka, Stony Tangawizi, Tusker beer, chapati, absurd dallas dallas rides with 33 people in a 12 person van and music blaring, awesome African music, people who are not judgmental, khangas, people carrying things on their heads, ridiculous bicycle loads, cows in the street

Things I will not miss about Tanzania: not being able to drink straight tap water, wondering if eating fresh veggies will give me worms, men constantly harassing me on the street, not being able to go running without being chased, being told that I should already be married with children, knowing that I am constantly getting screwed on prices because I am white, knowing that serious medical attention will always require an air lift, taking anti-malarials and sleeping under a mosquito net, not having control over what I eat, limited communication with friends, wondering what there is to do after 6:30 at night, not being able to walk alone at night, never being able to get coffee when I want it, not being able to swing dance, deet insect repellent in my eyes and mouth, fried everything, crossing the street

(I should note that shortly after composing this entry I came to realize why I had to sleep in the airport: The Hajj. Yes, that's right, I had to sleep in an airport on a country on the border of Saudi Arabia because this is a convenient stop over in the pilgrimage to Mecca. I guess that is a decent reason.)



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November 21, 2008

Things that I have done since getting back stateside 4 days ago:
Marveled at the awesomeness of drinking tap water, eaten bagels, wondered what it will take to survive in NYC, looked desperately for jobs, taken a moment to appreciate the internet, slept irregularly, poo-ed too regularly, interviewed at a temp agency, looked at my bank account, worried excessively, put on and took off all of the clothes Alisha has available (underwear included!).

That is just a brief summary, but you get the idea. My interview with the temp agency went remarkably well; however, they said that I would probably have work today and yet here I am still in Peter's apartment writing away so obviously that hasn't happened yet. It is promising though because they have lots of international non-profit work and they really liked my resume and seemed impressed by the fact that I got back from Africa 3 days ago and am already looking for work.

That doesn't change the fact that I want work today. I wonder if there is any place you can go in the city for simple day labor... I wonder if there are any Thanksgiving gigs that I can work - I am willing to dress as a turkey. I could just rent a turkey costume, stand on the street, and ask to be let into the EU on this historic holiday. (note to self: be attentive to nearby immigrant populations to avoid potential international incident or stoning.)

Well, if all else fails I have also found a gym that will give me a 2 week trial membership so that should at least help combat the jet lag. Jet lag, by the way, made me feel like a retarded child doing calculus when I was doing the computer competency exam at the temp agency. It was like failing the dyslexia test all over again - fortunately though this test wasn't timed so I prevailed by spending an excessive 45 minutes to an hour on the 30 question Excel and Outlook section marveling at the fact that pushing buttons makes letters appear on the screen. The guy next to me who couldn't speak properly finished WAY before me. I felt like a rock star (one who can't read good). Somehow in spite of all this I maintain that the interview still went remarkably well, but maybe this is disillusionment.

So that is how it is going on the job search front. In the living situation department I am currently crashing on Peter's couch. Tragically, Alisha IS STILL in Austin dealing with family shit so Peter and I are becoming acquainted as temporary roommates. I believe his introduction to this system occurred when I arrived and immediately began rummaging through Alisha's underwear drawer looking for any bra that pretends to fit that might not smell like burning assholes. (We share EVERYTHING). I have notified Alisha that as long as she is not here I am going to eat all of her food and wear all of her nicest clothes in consolation for her absence. The end result is that due to our "stylistic differences" I almost went to a job interview looking like I was prepared to work the Renaissance Festival.

Don't drink the water

WARNING: GRAPHIC SCATOLOGICAL CONTENT

The verdict is in, there was contaminated water in the juice we were drinking at the hostel. I have made the mistake of assuming that hostels and hotels typically would make juice with boiled or purified water since they deal with tourists. This is 100% not always correct. The result is a perpetual purgatory of the the intestinal tract whose anguish knows no bounds. Details to follow:

I am back in Arusha and I am staying with other volunteers and a different host mother because the Shettos have relatives visiting. This was my first night staying there. I had to shit real bad last night and realized that the host mother that I am staying with locks the door to the house at night and that means since i live in a shack out back I cannot shit in a civilized manner. Note, my bowels are still in the throws of a parasitic rebellion and the amount of air and swelling in my stomach is feigning a pregnancy.

So I wandered around a little seeking a place to hide my orange orange poo (WHY IS IT ORANGE??), got scared by the cow and chickens a few times, and eventually settled for the trash heap where concealing it would be reasonably achievable. I then proceeded to splatter paint the mound in a manner that would have provoked pride in Van Gough, made a pathetic attempt to conceal my shame, and went back to sleep.

The moral of the story? Don't ever drink anything unless you KNOW where it comes from. Or alternatively, bring lots of toilet paper and maybe a bucket.

I have considered submitting the following letter regarding my travel arrangements:

Dear Qatar Airways,
I humbly apologize for the havoc that I will wreak upon your noble vessel. For ultimate customer satisfaction on our upcoming voyage, please place me in a sound-proof room with ample plumbing and (preferably) a few cushions. I say this not for myself, but for rest of the passengers. Also, please feed me nothing but bread.
Thank you for your consideration, I will try not to stain your cushions.

Coming home November 16th arriving November 17th

As I am running out of money and moving to one of the most expensive cities in the US, I am keeping my ticket and will be arriving in NYC around 4 pm November 17th if all goes well.

I am back in Arusha now so the Arusha number is the one that works.

I am still a little sick but better. Giardia is a serious possibility. Fortunately, I don't it requires treatment and can just get better on its own.

Please let me know if you know of cheap temporary housing in NYC or jobs. I will need both really soon.

OBAMA!

I would like to say something profound about how excited and happy I am that Obama won, but the hangover is still lurking with a vengence. So all I can really say is, THANK GOD.

On the night of the election which given the 9 hour time difference essentially began at 3am my time we all got up and went to a hotel to watch the election returns. When it looked assured that Obama would be announced winner we went to the Kenyatta International Conference Center where celebrations were rumored to take place and apparently a video of us all dancing when Obama's presidency was announced made it to CNN. Let me know if you see this...I am still looking for the clip.

It was an amazing experience to watch Obama's acceptance speech with the Kenyans and look around and see that everyone American and Kenyan alike had tears in their eyes.

After the speeches we went and celebrated with champaign in a closed restaurant that was opened up to us just because we are americans and celebrating Obama. (Well, mostly americans. Actually our posse included one brit and one aussie who were both more committed to the election than many americans I know).

I recommend you look up the Barack Obama song - reggae style from Kenya. It has been playing non stop here and is hilarious.

Then we slept and woke up and celebrated some more. I am still recovering from this. Jim, the excited Aussie, ended the night by bringing home 3 women who he believed to have attracted through looks and attitude alone but then was quite surprised when he was told he would have to pay them - they were equally surprised to see his 1 person tent. Eventually, they were forced out by the guard and the hostel owner as prostitues always cause problems and apparently these 3 prostitutes didn't want to share the 6 dollars that Jim had to offer. Amazing.

People here are really excited about Obama. Yesterday was a public holiday. I spent that public holiday lolling on a couch watching our THREE NEWS STATIONS and wondering if all of my agony was brought on by alcohol or whether the probable worms in my guts worsened it, or since I was not the only one who was so violently ill - whether the ice in the drinks had actually contained some giardia or whether the meat that we had consumed earlier wasn't cooked well. Either way, I am so excited, but it HURTS SO BAD. Today is a bit better though. I may be heading back to Arusha tomorrow.

Nairobi again

I left Arusha on Wednesday for Nairobi and have just been hanging out here since then. The people who were interested in going to Uganda with me bailed for now but I may go after the election.

Nairobi is awesome. I really like it here. My first night here I got on a bus with a guy I met at my hostel with no idea where it was going. We ended up in Issley (spelling??) and hung out with some Kenyans in a bar talking politics for several hours and then later were invited into a Somali Duka (store) to hang out chatting until 1am. It was quite the adventure.

Over the weekend I went to Upperhill, where I stayed the first time I was in Nairobi and met with about 8 peace corp volunteers. It was a great time. I had Ethiopian food 2 nights in a row. FANTASTIC and cheap.

I came back to Milimani hostel last night to meet volunteers from Arusha who are coming in for the election. A few of us went out dancing last night. I had an unusual situation occur however when an older African man picked me up from my upper thieghs and began dry humping my legs. An Aussie man saved me from this disconcerting scenario and then the African man promptly whispered in my ear, "It's ok, I'm a Muslim" and showed me his Koran. I have no words for this.

Today some friends and I went on a guided walk through Kibera - Africa's second largest slum. It was remarkable. We got to see schools and see the places where all the election violence occurred a few months ago. we got to talk to people who witnessed it too. It is really interesting and I felt safe the entire time. It isn't typically violent just very poor and lots of white people actually work there for NGOs.

I have met some journalists who just graduated from Northwestern who I may go to Rwanda with. On the return maybe hit up Uganda. I really hope money can hold out.

It has been a long day and it seems high time for a nap. I have to rest up for the election...