Elf Day 1

Yesterday Schnitzel, the Jewish Christmas elf, was born. Tragically, due to general awkwardness and confused handlings of children, after about an hour of working on her own, Schnitzel was removed from responsible duties and instructed to shadow a more competent elf. Schnitzel might be incompetent. Perhaps Schnitzel should stop asking disoriented thugs and annoyed shoppers if they want to sit on Santa's "warm and willing" lap. Perhaps Schnitzel should stop doing pelvic thrusts in elf costume in the break room mirror.

--------------------

After completing our elfin duties for the trial run yesterday we were instructed to go to the 16th floor for an awards ceremony. The ceremony began with the event coordinator of Macy's (who only wears a black cowboy suit - think Tommy Lee Jones) regaling us with tales of REAL Christmas miracles like how as Santa he once got a little girls parents back together and once brought hope to a crippled child that everyone had given up on by reminding her that Santa loves her. According to the story, the first word this girl said after 5 years of non-communication was "Santa". The crowd awed. I felt queasy.

At this ceremony I was shocked to learn that at least 80% of the 200 Santaland employees are returning veterans. I was also shocked to learn that most of these veterans take Santaland so seriously that getting an award is a tear-filled moment. After about an hour into this ceremony I felt like I had joined the Scientologists. I was, however, comforted to find one or two other non-veteran elves who also seriously wanted to know what the fuck was going on. I mean it is a seasonal job, not a theatrical production. Moreover, this is not the end of the season, IT HASN'T EVEN BEGUN YET and they are already giving out awards.

These people take this shit seriously.

I was given a certificate acknowledging my elfin spirit and giving me justification to maintain my elfin spirit throughout all seasons. I feel changed as a person.

If you have heard of Santa Santa in Holidays on Ice - this man is still here. This is the Santa that is in the Thanksgiving parade. He has been doing it for 25 years and he is known for overworking his elves by looking at them in front of customers and saying, "why don't you sing us a song little elf?" To this request, no is not an option. He doesn't actually have a name as far as I know. The beard is real. Being Santa IS his career. He is probably crazy. I wonder what he will do if I come in smelling like beer.